The First Time You Get Fired

Or, Bodies And How They Body

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I was fully 30 years old, cast as a teenager once again.

I had been auditioning for teenage roles my entire career. Not being famous enough for anyone to know or track my actual age turned out to be a real advantage here. Nobody cared that I kept getting older and older as long as my baby face remained.

My headshot at 30, trying to look a little closer to 30 than 15. By David Noles.

Looking young for my age has haunted me for much of my life, even in middle school when I overheard two girls in the church bathroom:

“Who?” One of them said.

“Bethany” the other responded.

“Oh. yeah. how old is she.”

“She’s like 12.”

“Ohhhh. She’s not even like a real teen yet.”

“No. I thought she was in like 4th grade!”

“I know. She’s like so cute!”

“She’s like so cute.”

…

I was 12. And I was like so devastated.

So at 30, and now with a reel made purely of footage from Mean Girls 2, I cannot escape being like so cute. Though I’m also starting to get roles described as “30’s” to which my gut reaction is

WHAT THA

But I digress. I am an actor, I will be whatever age they want to believe I am. But also

WHAT THA I’M 30 AND YOU EXPECT ME TO PLAY 30??

I had just left my agents at Houghton Talent and moved over to Stewart where the new agent seemed hungry and hard working and also understood my passion for theatre work. Their office in NYC would represent me as well, expanding my opportunities even more. You may recall a previous episode in which I realized my goals and my agents goals were no longer aligned, so I was excited to forge forward in this new relationship.

I read for two roles in this particular episode of The Vampire Diaries. One was an “ageless” (definition: young, hot, white), cool, vampire, guest star role with a character arc. The other was a teenager with two lines who gets killed in the high school bathroom. I booked the latter!

Bummer. But, okay. It was like my 12th and 13th audition for the show, respectively, I’ll take the day of pay and move on. I went to a fitting the night before the shoot. It took 2 1/2 hours. No lie. A two line, co-star role. So many jeans, so many mini-skirts, so many tank tops, so many booties and wedges.

My theory now - based on my understanding of Things and the world and this dumb industry I have chosen - is: my face was staying quite babyish, but my body was changing.

Bodies change.

This is a truth every human - but certainly every woman, certainly every actor, certainly every woman actor, certainly every woman actor who stays with it over a period of time - must understand, embrace, and continue to fold into their reality about sticking around on this beautiful planet.

Bodies. Change.

It is not a moral issue. It is Bodies, bodying.

My body was slow to enter puberty, perhaps another way I always seemed and felt younger than I was. But once I became an adult, my body has simply always had curves that are desirable in some ways and unforgivable in others, to this industry. I blame my mother for my healthy body image. Mothers always get blamed for things when they end up horribly, so I would like to point a full finger at my mother for both my genes of having a young face and my ability to, mostly, accept my imperfect body as she has shifted and changed. At 30, I was certainly embracing diet-culture, and weight-lifting-and-HIIT-as-a-moral-imperative-culture more than I am proud of, and more than I would have if I were not constantly looking at images of myself, but still, I never slid into a place of forcing my body to become a shape she was never intended to be. For that, I am grateful. For that, I thank my mother. Thank you, mom.

But I digress again! Two and a half hours into a fitting and they finally land on a denim mini skirt with wedges, a flowy tank top and a vest. Allll part of the woman-playing-teenager disguise with which I was very familiar. Great! Fine. At this point, IDoNotCarePleaseLetMeSayMyTwoLinesAndMoveOn.

The fitting goes late and I cannot go to sleep after, therefore not getting the best rest the night before my shoot. I am in makeup for a LONG time the next morning. Like a long time. They are not making me look hot and I don’t understand. This is TheVampireDiaries - cafeteria ladies are hot. Every time I have ever auditioned I’ve always worn my Hot Makeup. If you’re an actor who auditions for female presenting roles, you know exactly what I’m talking about. This morning, they are basically just covering up my naturally red cheeks and the bags under my eyes and that’s about it. I’m so confused. They keep taking pictures of me to send to producers. Taking something off. Sending a picture. Putting something else on. Sending a picture. I go to hair and it’s the same thing. They try pigtails and send a picture. They try straightening, crimping, straightening again. Pictures. Responses. Finally, they land on pulling the teensiest bit of my bangs up into a teeny rubber band right on top of my head.

I look in the mirror in confused mortification. But, I am 30 and have 2 lines before I will be bitten/killed by a vampire in the high school bathroom, I’m not going to overthink the sprouts.

I go back to my room to wait.

And wait.

And wait.

And really wait.

I text my husband that something feels weird.

I wait more.

I WISH I could find the selfie I took of this look. I felt decent about the leg situation but everything from about mid-mini-skirt to top of hair sprig sticking out of tiny rubber band felt... Off? Yea, that’s the word. Off.

I wait some more.

I am finally dozing over my book on the couch when I hear a…

Knock knock.

I make sure there’s no drool crust on my cheek before I open the door, expecting to find the PA, finally ready to escort me to set.

It’s a producer.

I don’t remember his name. He was white, 40’s, round, wearing comfy shoes and a baseball cap like any serious filmmaker would.

“Hey, soooo…”

“Hi!” I respond, trying to pull my skirt down as far over my thighs as it will go.

“Hey, yeah.”

…

“So we’re gonna have to let you go,” he says.

My eyes must’ve gone wide in my speechlessness. Good, because no reaction was better than the two reactions I was considering:

Reaction number one: bursting into tears. I had been booked for two lines on TheVampireDiaries, was being fired from two lines on TheVampireDiaries, and now the shame that ensues from being fired for two lines on TheVampireDiaries for NOT EVEN DOING ANYTHING.

Reaction number two: saying the following words through laughter: PLEASE DON’T SUGAR COAT IT, BECAUSE IF YOU THINK I CARE ANYTHING ABOUT THIS JOB, YOU ARE REALLY OVERESTIMATING YOUR POWER IN THIS SITUATION BUDDY. I CAN’T EVEN STOMACH WATCHING THIS GARBAGE¹ AND I’M NOT GONNA SIT HERE AND PRETEND I’M SAD TO NOT BE ON IT! HA! SO THERE!

I finally managed a small smile. The kind women know how to make when someone is hurting them, but don’t want the person to feel bad for doing hurting them.

“Okay?” I responded.

“We just. Ya know. We were looking at this scene, and the producers”

(THE PRODUCERS - the people in the Great City of Angels to whom every hair, makeup and wardrobe person had been sending picture after picture of me. THE PRODUCERS - the people who sit on the other side of phones, never bothering to personally interact or put their own bodies on the line in any way.)

“The producers feel like this chick should be like, 14, ya know, freshman. You’re more like 17. Maybe 18. You could be 16. Anyway. They really want her to be like 14.”

“BUT YOU SAW WHAT I LOOKED LIKE IN MY AUDITION YOU IDIOTS. MY AUDITION WAS THREE DAYS AGO. GIVE ME SOME FRICKIN EYESHADOW AND CHEEKBONE CONTOUR AND MAKE ME LOOK HOT LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.”

Jk. I did not say that. You know I did not say that. I said:

“Oh. Yeah. I get it.” I keep pulling on my skirt, like a girl caught breaking the fingertip rule or a grown woman caught being a grown woman.

“But listen, listen, listen,” he keeps going, “we’ll definitely have you back sometime.” Is he looking at my legs? Maybe? Is he looking at the fountain situation on top of my head? At this point, I don’t know which would be more humiliating: being objectified in this mini-skirt or infantilized in this hair situation. “We will for sure find a spot for you later in the season. We’re going to France! So we’ll have you out there!”

“Oh. Yeah. That’d be great.” I say, imagining myself in this mini skirt, getting killed in a Parisian bathroom.

“And you’ll still get paid for the day of course!”

And the door closed.

My agent calls. They’ve already given him the news. I have completely blocked the conversation, the walk of shame to my car, the drive home, the who I told this story to and how quickly.

If y’all can believe it I never got another offer or audition from TheVampireDiaries again.

I’ve always said, and I maintain that it’s true, if I had been taken to set and started saying words and then been fired… I would’ve had a real hard time recovering from that. I’ll never know EXACTLY the real reason. I will never know what the people on the other side of all the phones actually said about me. “She’s not even a real teen” maybe. “She’s like so cute.” Maybe. “No. She’s not cute anymore.” Maybe. Who even knows. But even if the reason stayed the same, and I had gone to set and started saying words in front of the camera and then been fired? I don’t know that I’d have been able to laugh so quickly about the situation. I’m grateful for that small Grace at least.

At around 35, I started consistently receiving auditions for my own age or older. No one is surprised when I tell my real age anymore, like they were for the first 30 years of my life. It’s a strange reality to reckon with. I played teenagers, then a few years of young pregnant women, and now mothers of teenagers. I was even sent a “young grandmother” role last year.

I’m gonna be the cutest Grandma. Like so cute.

I recently excavated a direct quote from the very first audition I had for TheVampireDiaries:

“You may be a good fit for more than one role, in which case look over both.  ONLY prepare AIMEE if you currently have a body that would rock in a bikini =)² … AIMEE - Over 18 to play 17, Sweet, sexy, fun and filled with flirt … VANESSA - 24-27 a very attractive, smart, young grad student who assists with werewolf research”

Sometimes this world is just, like, so cute.

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A Little ‘Nouncement!

This feels like the perfect thing to advertise after telling a story on how I was once fired… I’m excited to be taking on a few actor coaching clients this summer! Whether you’re looking for a weekly session to build your craft, or just need some audition and callback help here and there, I’m looking forward to getting into it with you!

One Job Away readers are going to get $10 off your first hour long session. Shoot me an email at bethanylindcoaching@gmail.com to get more info on rates and availability.

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And now, your weekly bonuses…

One Obsession Away

Wherein I share what I am obsessed with this week.

I saw the play Fat Ham at the Alliance Theatre in its closing weekend (which is to say, I’m very sorry to tell you it’s already closed) and man was it fantastic. The script is a genius retelling of Hamlet, but only 90 minutes and a comedy! The cast brought such gorgeous craft and commitment to their characters within the story that it was one of those evenings that reminded me why I do this. Just fantastic theatre.

Notable and Quotable

“The show came to me in a period of time … when I was having real existential moments of thinking about time and the time that we have and that it is limited. It just is. It’s human nature to — thank god — not have [death] be the first thing you think about every single second, but there is a reality to it and as I’ve been aging and parents are dying and I’ve unfortunately lost friends who were way too young to go, you realize, what a privilege it is to age and that’s not a message we hear a lot in the United States.”

~Laura Linney

1. I have lots of friends who did lovely work on the show. I always watched their footage and reels. They were great. The show wasn’t that bad. My feelings were hurt, you see. I’m sorry I thought mean things in the heat of this moment. It’s not you, if you were on the show, it’s me getting fired from TheVampireDiaries.

2. =) that’s an equals sign and a close parentheses sign. This, young reader, is how we Olds did emojis back in the day. It’s a smiley face, you see. It’s up for interpretation whether this smiley means “haha, you know what I mean, are you very hot that’s up to you haha” or if the smiley means “oh theeeeeese people, but yeah, you do have to look very conventionally hot in a bikini, so do you?? lol but also don’t show up if you ever eat a gluten.” Could mean anything! That agent was just a middle man! =)