I’ve gotta treat myself to something big or small after auditions/callbacks (not every audition, but you know the ones).
And then I obsessively watch my audition and think how good it was. Or which moments I’d like to change. And dream a little about how I’ll celebrate when get my health insurance back.
And then, when I find out they went a different direction (or enough time has passed to assume the obvious), I let myself grieve. And then I try *try *try to move on.
*not before checking my email to make sure nothing has changed
*and checking IMDB and deadline to see if I can figure out who booked it
When auditions are busy, the roller coaster is a very fast one, and I’m back at the top dreaming of taking my parents out to dinner to celebrate.
But when auditions are slow (LIKE NOW), It feels like the roller coaster is just gosh darn broken. Which makes me so sad, because I actually love the audition part and that little hope part just after where your stomach jumps up into your chest.
I wish it wasn’t the case, but the longer I do this, the harder the bottom part is. It’s not that I’m not used to the rejection, I think it’s just that the hope part means more.
But, all that said, that hope part is a strong sucker and keeps on keeping on. 💛
All of this! All of it. No, nothing to add. Still doing all of them. Sometimes they help. Sometimes they don't. But, yes, live through it is the only real answer. Use it if you can. Throw it away if you can't.
This won't help but here are two that happened to me and apparently have never left:
"They said you were the best actor they saw all day but they went in another direction" (Me: "What direction was that? Bad actor? Why didn't they say so, I can do bad actor!" Sound familiar?
Or how about this one? After a particularly terrific audition (or so I thought) I called my agent (back in the day) for feedback. I was told the new Breakdown had come out and it said "Looking for a Clayton Landey type". Me: Did you tell them they could have Fucking Clayton Landey?!?!?" Him: " Of course I did. They said they don't want Clayton Landey. They want a Clayton Landey type." 30 years later and I'm still chewing on that one.
You just nailed it. Don’t take it personally is the dumbest thing ever. I even taught my students not to take it personally. But you’re right—I put my whole self into it. I often cried. And my dear, amazing husband, who isn’t an actor, tried, but didn’t always get it. I pouted. A lot. And I love the t-shirt tissues. I make my own cotton pads from old flannel, and just made the best deodorant I’ve ever used. Thanks for talking about what life is really like for an actor, and for the joys of everyday life.
Hi Judy! If you ever want to share your deodorant recipe...I would love to know! Still trying to find a deodorant that works and doesn't give me a rash. :)
Really appreciate your candor Bethany, Judy, & Clayton! It is such a wild journey being an actor. Rejection is hard, and I appreciate, Bethany, your take on just walking through it. I had someone suggest a long time ago to have something more "exciting" to do on the day of your audition so the audition doesn't become the "big thing." I know this isn't always possible, but even having something fun set up for the upcoming weekend gives me something else to look forward to. Finding other joys in life other than acting really helps me to move on and let go.
“Don’t take it personally” works in some cases for me as a stage manager…I want to believe some orgs’ favoritism or “commitment” to hire the same people over and over or to NOT hire one more middle-aged white cishet lady SM is not about me as a person…because I truly believe it’s not about me personally sometimes and yeah, we don’t necessarily need another white middle-aged white cishet lady on the team, or on this particular show.
But sometimes it drives me to think “why can’t *I* be someone’s favorite? The one the director insists on bringing across the country to work with them even though there are perfectly fine locals who will be cheaper to hire because they won’t need housing or a car or per diem or travel expenses? Why can’t I be the one at the top of somebody, anybody’s, list?”
What does work now is thinking of all the things I can do that I’d miss if I had the gig - holidays, lazy weekends, taking the kids to school or picking them up, school functions, family dinner and bedtime once the show opens, hanging out with friends. I value those things now in a way I didn’t when the kids were babies and I was in more of a desperate hustle grind. I don’t want to miss more of their lives more consistently. So that’s how I console myself when I don’t get the phone call or email that they want me for a show. I consider that I’m more available to take short-term better-paying gigs and still be home more.
I almost did a spit take with, “well how am I supposed to take it then, Janet?” 😂. I honestly don’t have a method to handling rejection. After all these years it still hits me hard. I feel like I should have a body of armor on by now. I guess it just subsides after a while and I move on. I’m used to it, but it’s never easy.
Let me lead with I thoroughly enjoy your articles/blogs, Bethany; thanks for posting these! Yes ma’am, received a “they went in another direction with this role” two weeks ago. This is random, but I imagine replying with, “ok, if they make a u-turn holler.” Then I picture casting/production in a traveling RV slamming on the breaks as they make an abrupt exit (cutting across highway lanes), they u-turn and then scoop me up - like it’s a comedic action scene playing out. The quick thought just makes me giggle. If we can immediately think of something that makes us giggle or heck, even laugh out loud, it’s good for the soul. 😊
I have heard them all and heard them from actors I respect. You're right. They sound great until you have to put them into pratice. A couple of things I've tried:
Mindfulness meditation has really helped me in all aspects of my life including constant rejection. Sure it stings and sucks at first but, then I can just fall back to being present in consciousness and realize that the past is only a memory and the future is only a thought. It takes practice but it really does help me.
Another thing I have done and seemed slightly helpful was to go back over a few years of auditions and bookings and do the math on what I've been paid for the jobs I did book (including residuals) and divide it by the number of auditions and come up with a number for what I have earned for each audition. I haven't done the past two years as they aren't what was normal in the past. I mean the words "accountant" and "actor" have a lot of the same letters in them right? Possibly useful but ... not for everyone.
I definitely do my best to find out who did get the role. If it is someone with more experience and connections and stronger representation than me, it helps. I had a wonderful opportunity for "Fallout", created an amazing audition (one where my agent wrote back and said WOW) and still didn't book it. I watched the show, the guy they hired was fantastic and I looked him up and if I was Fallout, I'd have hired him too. He had vastly more experience working with the folks that hired him. If I had had that same relationship, maybe it would've been me. I'll never know. He had a different take on the character but it was a good take.
For film and TV roles, for those of us who have decided to remain here in ATL, I have accepted that it will be this way. Planes with actors fly into ATL but rarely fly out of ATL. We are workers in a factory town. A factory that was dropped into our town back in 2008 and didn't evolve here. For the few of us who were already here and prepared, it was a glorious time ... for a while but, eventually more and more factory workers moved here and joined our ranks. Management still resides elsewhere and still has their relationships that were created where they live. I've only produced one project but when I did, I surrounded myself with the people I knew. I was comfortable with that. We shouldn't expect them to be any different.
I don't know if any of my ramblings are helpful to you or anyone but, that's my process ... right now anyway.
"Letting it go" has never served me, personally. It's my neurodivergence or something in my creative system. I tend to make it precious. Which is my weakness, maybe, to another artist. I've learned to talk to that curiosity. So I journal and figure it out. Sometimes I cling onto the work because it's something I'm struggling to embody or maybe a skill I'm excited to share. Then I chase stepping in that newly named thing. Take a class, make a reel to share with my team, write something inspired by the audition and shoot it. This was so validating!! Thank you. I've also destroyed a garden processing as well. 🌱🫶🏻
I make auditions a part of the routine as much as possible. Grocery store, gas, audition, emails, phone call, pick up kids...
Even when it's been a week (or more) between auditions, this "routine-ness" helps. It also helps being an improviser because most of what I do will never be seen again.
All three of those are platitudes that annoy me, but none more so than "What is For You Will Not Pass You By! Decisions are made by numerous people with varying subjective opinions. There is no right or wrong choice, just their choice, and any one person on the decision ladder can alter that choice, for better or worse. Are the decisions out of my control? Yes. If it's "meant for me" can I just phone it in? No.
And yes to the "live through it". That goes for everything in our lives. If we suppress our anger, pain, or disappointment, we'll never get through it and come out the other end. Enough with the toxic positivity. Our job is to feel the entire spectrum of human emotions, and we should, and need, to do the same in out everyday lives.
A friend sent your article and a few hours later I was unpinned for a recur 😂 🫠 went through every stage you described. I’ve always found “on to the next” to be the most effective method, but the problem is there is so often no “next”. Auditions are so hard to come by, even after building a resume I’m quite proud of. Maybe it’s my type, or the times. But I’m desperate for a distraction.
I’ve gotta treat myself to something big or small after auditions/callbacks (not every audition, but you know the ones).
And then I obsessively watch my audition and think how good it was. Or which moments I’d like to change. And dream a little about how I’ll celebrate when get my health insurance back.
And then, when I find out they went a different direction (or enough time has passed to assume the obvious), I let myself grieve. And then I try *try *try to move on.
*not before checking my email to make sure nothing has changed
*and checking IMDB and deadline to see if I can figure out who booked it
When auditions are busy, the roller coaster is a very fast one, and I’m back at the top dreaming of taking my parents out to dinner to celebrate.
But when auditions are slow (LIKE NOW), It feels like the roller coaster is just gosh darn broken. Which makes me so sad, because I actually love the audition part and that little hope part just after where your stomach jumps up into your chest.
I wish it wasn’t the case, but the longer I do this, the harder the bottom part is. It’s not that I’m not used to the rejection, I think it’s just that the hope part means more.
But, all that said, that hope part is a strong sucker and keeps on keeping on. 💛
“The longer I do this the harder it is” AGREED. People call it a ten year town…and after a decade, I feel I bruise more easily. I’m tired.
I finally learned what IYKYK means - this!
All of this! All of it. No, nothing to add. Still doing all of them. Sometimes they help. Sometimes they don't. But, yes, live through it is the only real answer. Use it if you can. Throw it away if you can't.
This won't help but here are two that happened to me and apparently have never left:
"They said you were the best actor they saw all day but they went in another direction" (Me: "What direction was that? Bad actor? Why didn't they say so, I can do bad actor!" Sound familiar?
Or how about this one? After a particularly terrific audition (or so I thought) I called my agent (back in the day) for feedback. I was told the new Breakdown had come out and it said "Looking for a Clayton Landey type". Me: Did you tell them they could have Fucking Clayton Landey?!?!?" Him: " Of course I did. They said they don't want Clayton Landey. They want a Clayton Landey type." 30 years later and I'm still chewing on that one.
You just nailed it. Don’t take it personally is the dumbest thing ever. I even taught my students not to take it personally. But you’re right—I put my whole self into it. I often cried. And my dear, amazing husband, who isn’t an actor, tried, but didn’t always get it. I pouted. A lot. And I love the t-shirt tissues. I make my own cotton pads from old flannel, and just made the best deodorant I’ve ever used. Thanks for talking about what life is really like for an actor, and for the joys of everyday life.
Hi Judy! If you ever want to share your deodorant recipe...I would love to know! Still trying to find a deodorant that works and doesn't give me a rash. :)
1/2 C Baking soda
1/2 C either arrowroot powder or cornstarch (I used cornstarch)
5 Tbsp coconut oil
20 drops grapefruit oil or another essential oil with antibacterial properties (I used frankincense)
Melt coconut oil and stir in baking soda and cornstarch. Add essential oil. Works like a charm for me.
Thank you Judy!! Can't wait to give this a try!!!
Really appreciate your candor Bethany, Judy, & Clayton! It is such a wild journey being an actor. Rejection is hard, and I appreciate, Bethany, your take on just walking through it. I had someone suggest a long time ago to have something more "exciting" to do on the day of your audition so the audition doesn't become the "big thing." I know this isn't always possible, but even having something fun set up for the upcoming weekend gives me something else to look forward to. Finding other joys in life other than acting really helps me to move on and let go.
“Don’t take it personally” works in some cases for me as a stage manager…I want to believe some orgs’ favoritism or “commitment” to hire the same people over and over or to NOT hire one more middle-aged white cishet lady SM is not about me as a person…because I truly believe it’s not about me personally sometimes and yeah, we don’t necessarily need another white middle-aged white cishet lady on the team, or on this particular show.
But sometimes it drives me to think “why can’t *I* be someone’s favorite? The one the director insists on bringing across the country to work with them even though there are perfectly fine locals who will be cheaper to hire because they won’t need housing or a car or per diem or travel expenses? Why can’t I be the one at the top of somebody, anybody’s, list?”
What does work now is thinking of all the things I can do that I’d miss if I had the gig - holidays, lazy weekends, taking the kids to school or picking them up, school functions, family dinner and bedtime once the show opens, hanging out with friends. I value those things now in a way I didn’t when the kids were babies and I was in more of a desperate hustle grind. I don’t want to miss more of their lives more consistently. So that’s how I console myself when I don’t get the phone call or email that they want me for a show. I consider that I’m more available to take short-term better-paying gigs and still be home more.
But damn I can still be petty about it too. 😂
I almost did a spit take with, “well how am I supposed to take it then, Janet?” 😂. I honestly don’t have a method to handling rejection. After all these years it still hits me hard. I feel like I should have a body of armor on by now. I guess it just subsides after a while and I move on. I’m used to it, but it’s never easy.
Let me lead with I thoroughly enjoy your articles/blogs, Bethany; thanks for posting these! Yes ma’am, received a “they went in another direction with this role” two weeks ago. This is random, but I imagine replying with, “ok, if they make a u-turn holler.” Then I picture casting/production in a traveling RV slamming on the breaks as they make an abrupt exit (cutting across highway lanes), they u-turn and then scoop me up - like it’s a comedic action scene playing out. The quick thought just makes me giggle. If we can immediately think of something that makes us giggle or heck, even laugh out loud, it’s good for the soul. 😊
I have heard them all and heard them from actors I respect. You're right. They sound great until you have to put them into pratice. A couple of things I've tried:
Mindfulness meditation has really helped me in all aspects of my life including constant rejection. Sure it stings and sucks at first but, then I can just fall back to being present in consciousness and realize that the past is only a memory and the future is only a thought. It takes practice but it really does help me.
Another thing I have done and seemed slightly helpful was to go back over a few years of auditions and bookings and do the math on what I've been paid for the jobs I did book (including residuals) and divide it by the number of auditions and come up with a number for what I have earned for each audition. I haven't done the past two years as they aren't what was normal in the past. I mean the words "accountant" and "actor" have a lot of the same letters in them right? Possibly useful but ... not for everyone.
I definitely do my best to find out who did get the role. If it is someone with more experience and connections and stronger representation than me, it helps. I had a wonderful opportunity for "Fallout", created an amazing audition (one where my agent wrote back and said WOW) and still didn't book it. I watched the show, the guy they hired was fantastic and I looked him up and if I was Fallout, I'd have hired him too. He had vastly more experience working with the folks that hired him. If I had had that same relationship, maybe it would've been me. I'll never know. He had a different take on the character but it was a good take.
For film and TV roles, for those of us who have decided to remain here in ATL, I have accepted that it will be this way. Planes with actors fly into ATL but rarely fly out of ATL. We are workers in a factory town. A factory that was dropped into our town back in 2008 and didn't evolve here. For the few of us who were already here and prepared, it was a glorious time ... for a while but, eventually more and more factory workers moved here and joined our ranks. Management still resides elsewhere and still has their relationships that were created where they live. I've only produced one project but when I did, I surrounded myself with the people I knew. I was comfortable with that. We shouldn't expect them to be any different.
I don't know if any of my ramblings are helpful to you or anyone but, that's my process ... right now anyway.
"Letting it go" has never served me, personally. It's my neurodivergence or something in my creative system. I tend to make it precious. Which is my weakness, maybe, to another artist. I've learned to talk to that curiosity. So I journal and figure it out. Sometimes I cling onto the work because it's something I'm struggling to embody or maybe a skill I'm excited to share. Then I chase stepping in that newly named thing. Take a class, make a reel to share with my team, write something inspired by the audition and shoot it. This was so validating!! Thank you. I've also destroyed a garden processing as well. 🌱🫶🏻
I make auditions a part of the routine as much as possible. Grocery store, gas, audition, emails, phone call, pick up kids...
Even when it's been a week (or more) between auditions, this "routine-ness" helps. It also helps being an improviser because most of what I do will never be seen again.
All three of those are platitudes that annoy me, but none more so than "What is For You Will Not Pass You By! Decisions are made by numerous people with varying subjective opinions. There is no right or wrong choice, just their choice, and any one person on the decision ladder can alter that choice, for better or worse. Are the decisions out of my control? Yes. If it's "meant for me" can I just phone it in? No.
And yes to the "live through it". That goes for everything in our lives. If we suppress our anger, pain, or disappointment, we'll never get through it and come out the other end. Enough with the toxic positivity. Our job is to feel the entire spectrum of human emotions, and we should, and need, to do the same in out everyday lives.
A friend sent your article and a few hours later I was unpinned for a recur 😂 🫠 went through every stage you described. I’ve always found “on to the next” to be the most effective method, but the problem is there is so often no “next”. Auditions are so hard to come by, even after building a resume I’m quite proud of. Maybe it’s my type, or the times. But I’m desperate for a distraction.